Do you ever find that when you’re feeling intense overwhelming emotions (think anger, shame, sadness) you end up doing things that make a difficult situation even worse? If so, you are not alone. When we are fuelled by our emotions we can often act impulsively. Common examples might be saying nasty things you don’t mean when arguing with a partner; self-harming; running away from home; driving recklessly; binge drinking alcohol; binge eating; becoming physically violent; sending angry text messages; road rage…..the list goes on. When our emotions take hold of us in this way, we don’t have the mental space to take a step back and make rational decisions. The strategic part of our brain is offline, making it incredibly difficult to think clearly. Before we know it, we are doing things that we might later regret and the difficult situation we are in has escalated. Some people describe this experience as a surge of impulsivity that they feel they can’t control. Then later when things have calmed down, we look back at the situation and we wish that we had handled things differently.
The STOP skill is exactly for these moments when emotions are high and you need to STOP yourself reacting. Importantly, this isn’t a cure for all life’s problems and may not even help to reduce the emotional intensity (we need emotion regulation skills for that). What this skill will do is buy you some time so you can act with awareness.
STOP
- Stop: When you feel your emotions are about to take control just STOP. Freeze. Do nothing. Your emotions may try and make you act without thinking. Some people like to visualise a stop sign, or say the word stop in their head or out loud. This first stage helps you avoid doing what your emotions want you to. Try and remember here that you are the boss of your emotions, not the other way around.
Importantly, to use STOP effectively we need to recognise the signs that our emotions are taking control. This is where mindfulness comes in. It might help now to write down your early warning signs that your emotions are surging. For example, how does anger feel in your body? What happens to you the moments before you act impulsively? - Take a step back: It’s really hard to think on the spot in a difficult situation, so give yourself time to think. Take a step back. Some like to physically take a step back where possible; others might imagine themselves doing it. Practice deep breathing until you are back in control. Do not let your emotions make you act impulsively.
- Observe: Notice what is going on inside your body, and outside of you. What is the situation? Have you been here before? What are your thoughts and feelings? What are others saying, doing or feeling? Gather the facts, and consider your options.
- Proceed Mindfully: Act with awareness. Ask yourself, “What do I truly want from this situation? What are my long terms goals and values?” Try and think about what actions will make the situation better, and what will make it worse? Consider what you might do if you were to do the opposite of acting impulsively.
Remember, be kind to yourself as you practice these skills. It will likely take several attempts to use STOP effectively, and then still you won’t get it right every time. You might successfully use STOP, and then have to use it again in 5 minutes time. Practice, practice, practice.
REFERENCES
Linehan, M. (2014). DBT Skills training manual. Guilford Publications.
