by Ishma Alvi
Let’s Talk About Talking – Part II: Now What?
Now we know what the myths are, how to move forward from that? Of the various glues that hold relationships together, mutual respect, love and attraction, communication is key. But how to do it in such a way that is effective?
Let’ start by de-constructing the concept of ‘effective’ communication. Effective communication is where, the two in the couple are able to express what it is they feel is needed to effect positive change where the outcomes for both are desirable.
Effective communication, then, must be:
Proactive, rather than reactive. Lead in with the belief that you can effect positive change. This attitude of efficacy can shift how you present yourself. If you go in to a discussion feeling positive and sure of your effectivity, the chances of becoming defensive, withdrawn or reactive are reduced.
Reasonable in all aspects. The discussion itself and the identified end goal which motivated the discussion in the first place. Though this sounds basic, with most thinking at this point “But I AM reasonable!” it would be good to pause and reflect on this. Very often the discussion itself and the identified end goal of the discussion is not lead by reason but by emotional reactivity. The end goal becomes to hurt, create guilt or to provoke, rather than to effect mutually positive change. This become a brick-wall to communication and is extremely short term and can be detrimental.
Instead try and focus, as logically as is possible, on what it is that is driving the need to communicate and collaborate on how the issue driving it can be resolved to mutual satisfaction.
Calm. You are starting a discussion with someone you love and (hopefully!) respect, not an enemy who is wilfully trying to hurt you or sabotage the relationship. So, go in to the discussion calmly. Let this calmness resonate in the language you select (more on this in a bit), in the tone of voice and its pitch, in your body language (face soft, eyes relaxed and receptive, shoulders back and relaxed) and breathing even.
This calmness can then spill on to your partners and reduce any defensiveness that may have been present.
Goal directed. Identify a reasonable goal and keep that in focus during the discussion. This will avoid derailments such as “but in the summer of 1935, you said ABC/did XYZ…!” Once your goal is clear to you, you can address defensive derailments by acknowledging them but shifting focus back to the present and the discussion at hand.
‘We’-lead.’ ‘We’ language is more collaborative and indicates to your partner that you are focussed on yourselves as a couple as opposed to blame-laying. And remember, it’s not just an empty word: the ‘we’ reflects that you are actually trying to identify a collaborative pathway to achieve a mutually beneficial goal.
Collaborative. The goal is not to ‘win’ the argument, the goal is that the discussion ends with both partners feeling like that have achieved a goal they want. This means that both must agree on how that goal is to be achieved: for example, if the goal is to improve your financial situation as a couple, both may have ideas how this could be achieved. Be intelligent and logical in your ideas and how you present them, but be intellectually open, reasonable and willing to listening to your partners suggestions: they are, more likely than not, to have some merit.
An impetus to action. The agreement on the goal and how to get there, once decided, should lead to the action required. Taking the necessary action, using he agreed upon course of action reinforces trust and forward-movement in the relationship. Often, it is thought that ‘talking’ is a goal unto itself- and it can be. But, if there is an issue that keeps raising its head, some movement to change it is required. So move!
