By Kelsie Bufton
One of the most difficult things in the interactions we have with others is knowing how to get want we want, whilst maintaining strong and healthy relationships. When we don’t have the right skills, it can be so easy for conversations to get derailed even when we go into them with the best intentions. DEARMAN is a skill that can help you achieve a goal in a specific situation in a way that doesn’t damage the relationship. Some situations that you might want to be assertive in are…. resolving conflict; saying no to someone; getting a person do something you ask; or asking someone to understand your point of view; and getting your rights taken seriously.
You can remember the skills involved in assertive communication using the DEARMAN acronym.
- Describe the situation
Start by firstly describing the situation you are referring to. This helps make sure you and the other person are on the same page. Try and describe only the facts here and avoid subjective statements. Ask yourself, what would someone on the outside looking in agree has occurred?
E.g., I have done the washing up every night this week.
- Express clearly
Express how you feel or what you believe about the situation. Try using “I” statements here, rather than “you” statements. This helps the other person understand your experience without having to read your mind.
E.g., I am feeling overwhelmed by everything that I have do to.
- Assert Wishes
Ask the person what you want. Be clear, concise and assertive.
E.g. I would like you to do the washing up tonight.
- Reinforce
Communicate the positive consequences of the person meeting your request. This might include the positive impact that the outcomes might have on them.
E.g. You cleaning up would show me that you respect me, and would mean I have more time to spend with you in the evenings.
- Mindfulness
Try and stay mindful of your objective in the interaction, as it can be easy to get derailed onto another topic. One way is to act like a broken record by continuing to express your opinion over and over. Maintain a calm and soft tone throughout. Try and ignore attacks and diversions that might come from the other person.
E.g.”I am happy to talk about X later, but can we finish talking about the washing up first?”
- Appear Confident
Use a confident voice tone, posture and try and use appropriate eye contact. This will communicate to the other person that you deserve respect.
- Negotiate
Be willing to be flexible in order to get what you want. Offer or ask for alternative solutions to the problem.
When learning a new skill like DEARMAN it can be really helpful to write out a script of what you might like to say before. Try and practice on a simple situation and build up to something that is more meaningful to you. Try and be kind to yourself if things don’t go the way you planned. We are never able to control how the other person reacts, however if you use DEARMAN hopefully you will leave the interaction with no regrets of how you handled things.
