Couple-hood and CORONA Part I: Relationships in a Pandemic

Couple-hood and CORONA Part I: Relationships in a Pandemic

By Ishma Alvi

Being forced to cohabit in a single space with a partner, without the relief of a change of environment or company, is stressful. Stressful for a number of reasons.

For one thing, the average human being typically buys in to the well-established myth of ‘a relationship shouldn’t be difficult’. It is a common misconception that love should be the magic wand that eradicates The Difficult; whether that ‘difficult’ constitutes managing conflict or balancing your needs and wants against those of another adult.

If we buy in to the myth that ‘relationships shouldn’t be difficult’, when we are challenged in our relationships, we then conclude that because things have become ‘difficult’ the relationship is wrong for us.

However, the idea that relationships should be easy is simply illogical- we put effort in to all other tasks, job and relationships that we would like to see go well. Why would we then believe that this one relationship should be excused from effort? At the best of times any healthy relationship requires effort. And this is not the best of times. Which leads to the second factor contributing to the stress of isolating with a partner.

Life as we know it has been affected by a highly novel (not just in name!) and globally (and not just geographically!) impactful disease. This pandemic has created social, economic and health stress, along with the most fundamental stressor The Unknown. And currently, there are numerous unknowns- a cure, an end to the disease, the future. In all, we can safely conclude that we are facing a significant, unpredictable and complex stressor! The ways in which our lives have changed as a result of this pandemic have been impactful as well- the social isolation, reduced opportunity for typical recreation as well as the fatiguing demands of learning new skills- working from home, videoconferencing, home schooling, do-it-yourself gym equipment, entertaining children alongside the normal ‘life admin’ (which doesn’t stop just because everything else has). These factors set us up to experience all the features of a stress-response: reduced distress tolerance, poor sleep, poor diet and reduced self-care, each exacerbating the next like an endless loop of collapsing dominoes.

In and amongst all of this (as if it wasn’t enough) we humans have a tendency to experience stress but dismiss or at least reduce the contribution of the source of that stress, especially as the period of stress exposure extends (the latter the result of the human capacity to ‘normalize’ extraneous variables, as a defence mechanism of sorts). As a result, the combination of unhelpful relationship myths, the exposure to a complex and unprecedented stressors and gradually learning to overlook that key external stressor can lead to misattribution. We begin to attribute our sense of stress to our partners. In simple terms, we begin to shift our attributions from “it’s the pandemic that is making me stressed” to “it’s my partner that’s making me stressed” with the follow on thought being “Yes, of course a pandemic is stressful but if he/she/they only did/said X or Y or Z, it would be less so.”

The, along with a constant state of stress, there is the gradually encroachment of boredom from the monotony of routine.

And finally, there is nothing like a high dose of stress plus monotony to help shut down the sex drive.

How to combat the impact of these combined issues?

  1. Self-check and attribute correctly- the viral nature of stress, especially novel stress can lead us in to mis-attributing the source of strain. So, when you feel triggered, try to stop. Literally, stop what you are doing, stop the first in a chain of reactive steps. Then breathe. Try not to tussle with your thoughts and feelings by arguing with yourself. Acknowledge the feeling, even if it is a whisper to yourself “I’m angry/hurt/frustrated/resentful/irritated”. Then breathe again, focusing on exhaling through the nose and inhaling through the mouth. Then focus on moving your body in a purposeful way. Hinging forward from your hips, bend and reach for your ankles or toes. Or spread your arms wide akimbo, open up your chest, arch your spine and lengthen your neck. Sure, your partner may be looking at you strangely as you suddenly execute these movements. So? Better than another circular argument. Once you are feeling calmer, think about what you would like to achieve in your exchange with your partner, then identify the words that would best help you achieve that. Say those words to your partner, speaking calmly and slowly.
  2. Make it special- time together was once harder to come by, which added to how special it was. Make it special again, by ensuring that at least some of the time you spend together is conscious and planned. This can be planning a board game together, after the kids are in bed. Or sharing a coffee together on the balcony before the rest of the family wake up.
  3. Self-care. Taking out time to self-care- whether a walk by yourself or a long shower- has never been more important. With all the new (and some of the same) demands on your time and energy, this time alone provides the opportunity for you to do whatever it is that helps you re-charge. Self-care also includes ensuring you sleep well, exercise and eat well, all of which can be a challenge when everything else seems to be a bigger priority than you. But if you are one of the cogs in the machine at home and at work, you need to make sure you are well cared for or the machine just will not run as it should. So, in essence, taking care of you is by extension, taking care of everyone, including your partner.
  4. In the middle of the world-on-it’s-head lives we are leading right now; it is important to reconnect with your choice to be with the person you are with. We sometimes forget that we chose this person and that there were and are reasons for that choice. We just need to be conscious of that choice more often. Stop, look at your partner. Watch them load the dishwasher, frown at their laptop or sip their coffee. Really look at the person in front of you, their expression, their eyes, how they hold their bodies or shape their mouths or use their hands. The remind yourself what it is that makes you happy and even grateful you chose them. Name those things are remind yourself to choose them every day.
  5. Sexual desire is an appetite that requires regular feeding. And the feeding can happen using consistent intimacy. This intimacy needs to be creative and broad ranging; as both factors will help counter stress and monotony. To find out more, read Part II: To Stop Letting a Virus Be the Third in the Bedroom.

 

This blog was written by Ishma Alvi. To learn more about Ishma’s experience, click here. Or to book an appointment to see her, or one of the other Psychologists at Vida click here.

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