CONNECTION QUARTER: Relationships: The Power of Non-Verbal Communication

CONNECTION QUARTER: Relationships: The Power of Non-Verbal Communication

Non-Verbal Communication: Speaking to the Unsaid

Non-verbal communication or the ‘unsaid’ can be as effective a mode of engagement as verbal, adding depth and resonance to any interaction. This is especially true for communication within a relationship. Most couples have a verbal and a non-verbal history; the ‘communication archive’ of the relationship. This history is built up through interaction from the first meeting to the present and is drawn upon in both the loving and the not-quite-so-loving interactions.

A couple’s verbal history may include shared secrets, inside jokes or intimate terms of endearment and is highly connective. It is a private language between the two, creating a world inhabited and understood only by themselves.

The non-verbal or the ‘unsaid’ aspect of a couple’s communication history can be as rich. An eye-meet can speak volumes, as can a shrug. The quality of a smile or tilt of the head, all invisible to the non-partner, can impart particular depth to a single word exchanged between two people in a relationship.

This non-verbal history, though subtle is no less meaningful than the verbal and can function to heighten the intimacy of the two-person world of Coupledom. When the ‘unsaid’ or non-verbal communication is positive (gentle eye contact, relaxed posture, smiling) it is reinforcing, generating a cycle of trust and attachment, which then sustains the ‘together-ness’ identity of the couple.

However, when there is a strain upon the relationship, the unsaid can drive a couple further apart. The pattern works in the same, self-reinforcing way as it does when the couple are happy: negative perception colours how non-verbal communication is seen, imbuing even a neutral shrug or gesture with negative symbolism. This will then lead to an equal reaction, directing communication along a negative path.

So, when to engage with what is not said and when would it be most helpful to leave well enough alone? Talking to the unsaid is tricky and therefore it can be helpful to have strategies to deal with what is not verbalized and yet communicated.

To start with, it can help with maintaining goal-oriented communication if one responds only to what is said, using a mental (and emotional) filter for the unsaid. A partner may attach greater negative meaning to a non-verbal cue than actually meant. Addressing this would derail communication into the hair-splitting, unhelpful and entirely subjective area of decoding a shrug, a perceived grimace or imagined smirk. So, when feeling particularly heightened or upset, it could be helpful to only stick to what is clearly verbalized during a discussion.

However, there are times when it can be helpful to address the non-verbal cues. One such time is when there is a clear dissonance between what is verbalized and what the facial expression or posture is conveying. For example, the words ‘Everything is fine’ accompanied by the face being turned away, a scowl and a hunched shoulder would warrant addressing. This should include not only the identification of the incongruence between the said- ‘fine’ and the unsaid- ‘not fine’ but also a discussion of the reasons why a partner is displaying an unwillingness to express their actual mental state.

It is also important to think about how the nonverbal communication can be addressed. The way to do this most effectively is to first identify, to yourself, the goal of addressing the unsaid: is it for clarification of the observed incongruence so you can understand the issue at hand and move forward or are you being emotionally reactive, which is often unhelpful and can further escalate conflict? Once you have identified a (hopefully helpful) goal, then address the unsaid. When doing so try to ensure your language is ‘I’- oriented as opposed to ‘you’ centred. For example, “I noticed that you seem upset” as opposed to “you look angry” as the latter can come across as accusatory and can make the other person defensive.

Often when upset, people lose awareness of the signals their bodies and faces are sending off to the other person. When engaging with a partner, try to remain mindful of what your body and facial expressions are saying so you can be as clear as possible to help in the effective resolution of the conflict at hand. Also, keeping your non-verbal cues positive (voice pitched low and at a measured rate, shoulders back and down, gentle eye contact, hands below the waist and body open) can influence those of your partner, as people often tend to unconsciously echo the body language of the person they are engaged with.

By Ishma Alvi
Relationship and Adult Psychologist at Vida Psychology

If you would like to read more about Ishma click here, if you would like to book an appointment with her click here.

 

 

 

No Comments

Sorry, the comment form is closed at this time.