This month at Vida Psychology we are talking about connecting with people.
When your child is yelling and screaming in front of you, what would happen if you view this as a chance to connect?
Child psychologists think of tantrums as a method of communication. Try asking yourself: what is my child currently communicating? That they don’t like vegetables? They don’t want to pack up? They don’t feel loved? They are feeling like they are losing control and don’t know how to get control back?
When you shift mindset from ‘my child is trying to upset me’ to ‘my child is trying to tell me something’, you can make a change in how you respond. Try using their words back to them. Repeat or rephrase what your child says. This shows them that you understand what they need in that moment. Repeat it quietly. This models that you can remain calm in the face of their emotions – that their emotions are acceptable, but their behaviour may not be.
“You want chips. Yes, you’re very hungry. And you’re grumpy because I don’t have any right now. You really wish you could have some chips. Your favourite flavour would be great right now. I understand. You really wish you could have chips.”
When they feel heard, and they observe your calm they have a chance (just a chance!) to pause, take stock, and make a change. When they feel heard, they have a chance (just a chance!) to calm down. Then they are more likely to communicate meaningfully, perhaps with words. Then they may be more able to accept that chips are not available right now. And now you have a chance to tell them that yelling is not ok – and you won’t have to yell either.
