Let’s Talk about Talking – Part I: Myths & Myth Busting
There are many misconceptions or ‘myths’ about being a part of a couple or in a relationship. These myths are reinforced by media (especially social media), which can lead those who are struggling in a relationship to feel isolated and even stigmatized.
Many of these myths centre around how couples see a relationship; which can have a detrimental impact on a vital facet of a relationship- communication.
Some of these myths include:
Myth #1 ‘Love conquers all’
Fact: This phrase is meaningless.
You’ll find this phrase in social media memes, against the image of a couple at the beach at sunset. You’ll find it embroidered on cushions at Kmart.
However, it’s vital to deconstruct this little seemingly innocuous phrase, as it defies logic simply because of the subjectivity and therefore vagary of the phrase.
First of all, love looks and feels different to different people. Second, what exactly is being ‘conquered’? Situational challenges outside the relationship? Challenges within the relationship? What kind? And finally, the word ‘all’ is just too broad to have any real meaning.
Love is the vital bond for connection, but sustaining a healthy relationship involves much more. Such as mutual respect, self-awareness and mental flexibility. Some might argue that the word ‘love’ is a catch-all for each of these facets, but unless each facet isn’t specifically identified by name, it’s hard to tell what’s missing or what to work on.
Myth #2 ‘A relationship shouldn’t be work’.
Fact: Everything involves some work, why should your relationship be the exception?
This is often seen as an offshoot of Myth #1, but, like Myth #1, this one is untrue.
Think about it.
Any engagement of an individual whether it is with another individual, a situation, an event, a place or even an animal, will involve some level of ‘work’ whether it is compromise, effort or even considered thought. We put in work for almost everything we do, from keeping the house tidy to our jobs- yet we continue to exempt relationships from this. Why would a personal relationship be any different?
Myth #3 ‘They should just know *insert behaviour/words here*, by now’.
Fact: No human is an information sustaining machine and ‘not knowing/knowing’ is NOT a measure of love.
Yes, some things couples learn about each other and that learning is retained: like a partner’s coffee order or their morning ritual. But ‘just knowing’ cannot be applied as a blanket rule to all things about all words and actions, at all times for all of the relationship.
Situations, people, circumstances change and grow. Likes and dislikes evolve. If the communication doesn’t evolve parallel to these changes, how can a partner ‘just know’?
Myth #4 ‘Saying it is nagging/pressuring’
Fact: Nagging and communicating are NOT the same thing.
Actually not. Nagging is less defined by saying something, even repetitively, and more by ways in which those words are said: language/words selected, tone of voice and body language. Often partners read body language, tone, pitch, facial expression before they hear the words and that is often what they react to.